The Risk it Takes to Bloom

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. This is the element of freedom." Alicia Keys, The Element of Freedom

Why do the most monumental transitions in life usually require taking the biggest risks?

The cart analogy in my blog serves as a visual for my risk of creating an authentic life. Actually, it is the cart's movement that defines my risk. Just as Alicia says, the "day came" for me to build this cart. My cart "bloomed" when I gave it a push. You see, I can build the most magnificent cart in the entire world, with the most precious jewels, construct a frame of solid gold, and have it blessed by the Pope himself. I can put all things meaningful in this cart: faith, education, career, and intellectual and emotional aptitude. Nonetheless, there is no risk in merely building a cart. I could titivate, beautify, and improve on this cart all the way to perfection without the risk of my life really changing. The cart garners risk the moment I breathe life into it. The day I set it in motion is the day that I refused to be "tightly closed in a bud."

Fear is a side effect of risk-taking; the bigger the risk, the more powerful is the fear blocking us from taking such risks. The fear in risk-taking is that once the risk is taken, its result will prove worse than my current situation. Was I right to take the risk of leaving life as I knew it in order to pursue a life I can call my own? I will never know and am content with the ambiguity. Being "right" doesn't matter when I take risks. What matters is what I do once I take the risk. Do I scare easily and resort to what I know? Go back to my comfort zone? No, I learn a new dance. I grow, learn, and cherish the lessons and the journey. I honor the action to take the risk by being present in my life and living my decisions.

God does not call us to live any other lives; I believe that He desires that I live the life He helps me discover. In living the aftermath of my decision to take this risk of living an authentic life, I continue to make decisions that validate my giving life to my cart. I trust that He wouldn't allow it any other way.

Praise God for giving me the will to live the questions.

The Present!

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post -L. Thomas Holdcroft

I gave myself a precious gift today; the gift of the present. For the past few weeks, I've struggled with accepting my decision to divorce. My ex is a kind, genuine, uncomplicated person. Life with him was easy and predictable. I've wondered how divorce affects my relationship with God and worry that my decision will cause me to lose favor in His eyes. He gave me a good person with whom I could share a life, and I traded it in for a big-ass question mark. Why?

I realized today that I am wasting my energy on regret. I can't think about the future, present, and past all at the same time. If I can't think about all three at the same time, which one should take priority? Breaking it down, I can't change the past. I can't buy my way out of the past, and I can't move people and events like pawns to redesign the past. Simply, I can't do anything about it but use it to make wise choices today. Thinking about the future is beneficial to a point. It's good to have goals and a plan to reach such goals. Nonetheless, I can't think the future into existence; I can only act now to create the kind of future I envision. Thus, what train of thought is the most beneficial and efficient use of my time? The present, of course! And what a present I give to myself when I make choices and act in a way that provides for the future I spend just enough time dreaming about.

In giving up regret, I give myself the gift of space to live the questions.

Thank you for sharing in this post.

The Land of And

A person much wiser than me shared a coveted token of knowledge; people who reach the highly sought after place of self-actualization live in the "Land of And." The Land of And is a place of endless opportunity and freedom of choice; it's where I can do "A" and "B" and "C" however and whenever I desire. It's like a lovely garden with all my favorite flowers. Everything in the garden was planted with a purpose, can be moved around how I please, and replaced or kept to my liking.

I've always known that the Land of And was a real, attainable place. However, until I made the decision to start living an authentic life, I was merely a window shopper. (Disclaimer: I am NOT advocating divorce as a means to an authentic life. For my journey, it was necessary.) Living a life in the Land of And, where I am solely responsible for the products of my decisions, brings triumph. The journey, nonetheless, causes me formidable anxiety at times. Some decisions are easy, and some are daunting. I've mentally jockeyed the idea of purchasing a home for quite some time. The questions about my ability to handle the responsibility are endless. However, one of the lessons learned in the Land of And (and the home-buying process) is that when I live an authentic life, opportunities that are authentically mine start to pop up anywhere and everywhere. The home I am currently working towards purchasing fits this point in my life more than my imagination allowed. While I haven't closed on the house yet and can actually call it mine, I learned that it's okay to let things come to me; I don't have to force my desires into existence. When I am living an authentic life, authenticity comes to me. In the past, I had a habit of manipulating things into existence, but when my cart is filled with all things Emily, its momentum will perfectly determine my direction.

I finally feel like I am spending less time in the wagon of my cart: adding, replacing, and catching things as they fall off, and more time in the driver's seat. The view is much different from this place! I wonder if this cart has cruise control??

Thank you for sharing in this post.

Building a Nest

"Success doesn't come to you...you go to it." -Marva Collins

One of the most terrifying - yes, terrifying - things about leaving my marriage was the understanding that I would be completely on my own. I have very close friends and a supportive family. However, they all have their own "nests" to tend to. By nest, I mean all the goings-on of life. You know, the finances, grocery shopping, dream-building, spirituality, visions, etc. It took me working through a few failed flying lessons to get over the idea that I would not have another nest to fly to once I left my marriage. Hah! That I had the audacity to believe that there would be a mass-produced Wal-Mart nest just waiting to receive me!

I learned that I have to build my own nest. I can't hire a designer, find a man, or get my mom to swoop in and piece together my life. If I don't build my nest, it'll never get built, or worse it won't fit me. Who else can be invested in me like I can? I believe that one has to go into him or herself in order to offer authenticity to self and others. God's will is that I live MY life...that I employ His gifts to their fullest. So, Emily's Nest is starting to come together. It's not perfect, but it's mine. It may resemble something more of an RV than ancient Buddhist temple, but that's ok. With truth and authenticity, there is also permanence.

Letting Go

Letting go is easy; the hard part is not wanting to leave anything behind.

When I pack for a trip, it's hard to know exactly what I will need. I don't want to leave anything behind (even if it provides an excuse to go SHOPPING), because I just might need whatever it is that I left behind. This only leads to a very over packed suitcase! Boy, have I begrudgingly paid my share of $50 overweight fees at the airport check-in counter.

For the last year, I've tried to pack everything I could in my "cart." I've paid my share of emotional overweight fees, and wouldn't be surprised if Oprah showed up at my door to tape a show about hoarders. I've grown tired of trying to carry the excess and skirting around my cart trying to catch everything that falls loose. So, I started to just let the things that fell, fall. I'm also carefully removing, or simply shifting, positions of some things. My cart is doing less hopping and more gliding these days.

Thank you for sharing in this post.

Million Dollar Bill

Does he make you feel like a million dollar bill? Does he got you spinning round and round? Whitney croons this line in one of her newest songs. I love the song, the beat, and vocals. The lyrics - well, that's another story. No offense Ms. Houston, but isn't this how women get in trouble in the first place?

One of the downfalls in my marriage was that I expected my husband to make me feel a certain way. I expected everything from one person. This is ludicrous! My ex is a human being. All too often, women idolize men. We put them on a pedestal and expect that they will fulfill our every need. When he disappoints me, I blame it on him. While the blame was well-derserved in some cases, I was too quick in many others to cast down my "idol" in my disappointment. True love (not just between man and woman but all people) is loving someone for who he or she is, without expectation of anything different. This purest form of love is full acceptance of a person - faults, triumphs, strengths, changes, and dirty deeds aplenty.

One of the ideas in my "cart" is learning to accept all people for who they are. I don't come to them with a list of expectations. The reality is what is before me; not my iconic fantasies. The people I love are not idols. Rather, they are beautiful interpretations of the human spirit, who are in perfect tune with their own paths.

Thank you for sharing in this post.

Curtains

Have you ever tried to hang a curtain rod? I'm not talking about anything elaborate - just a single, simple curtain rod. For some reason, this task always seems like an insurmountable feat. My past attempts have always ended up in several extra sets of holes, patched drywall, and/or crooked drapery. They've also ended up in calling some man to come in and rescue the distressed interior decorator wanna-be (aka - princess).

I'd like to say I was a pretty independent person even before I was divorced. I held down our (ex + me) home with great success during the many long cruises (he's in the Navy). I've done things, by myself, that still surprise me. So, why the hell do I call a MAN to hang a stupid set of curtains?

The answer is simple. I NEEDED men. I went from my father's house, to my husband's house. I've never not had a man in my life. My emotional dependency was so deep and normalized, that I didn't even know it existed. I've had men around me for the last year, whom I depended on prematurely. I was so wrong. Because I didn't have my ex anymore, I thought that I had to have some man to cling to - any warm body would do. I didn't pick well; in fact my choices were terrible. I was in a desperate battle to keep men in my life knowing that they were all wrong for me. Nonetheless, one day, my dependency became controllable. I'm working on kicking the habit and letting go of the male friends, who really aren't bad people, yet only feed my dependency. Those that are loving, supportive, and add to my life are keepers; the rest "gots to go." It's still a struggle, and it's hard for me to see the difference between dependency and interdependency. Every once in awhile, I throw a bone out to those men just to see what they do, and my path and gut is validated every time. (Hmm...does that mean that I'm still dependent?? Nah - just a little gift from the universe). I'll eventually be able to tell the difference. Besides, my cart feels a whole lot better minus a few hundred pounds!

(by the way, my best GIRLfriend helped me put up my curtains! :o)

4-8-2010...1 AD begins

RIP marriage. I won't be seeing you for awhile.

I woke up today with feelings that I haven't felt in eleven years. Am I sure I want to do this? Is this really what I want for my life? It feels like the world is cycling events around me. My body is here, but things are happening so quickly...

I'm a tough, muscular ox, assuming the job of getting from Life Point A to Life Point B. Life Point A is a familiar, predictable, safe place. All I know about Life Point B is that possibilities are endless, and opportunity is perfect. I pull along a load of "what I want for my life." It's full of all the people and ideas I cherish. Every item is irreplaceable. As I labor along my path, the load gains momentum because I heave and ho so heavily. Soon, when my back and shoulders are aching from all the heaves and ho, I decide to stop for a breath, look around, maybe check the neatly packed load. My cart, however, dutifully gildes along like I've trained it so well to do. All that energy, all that momentum carries my precious load towards the ambiguous Life Point B. All my logic is screaming - WAIT - mostly because my harness is still tightly secured to my body. My feet start shuffling, I violently dig my heels in the ground to stop the cart. I claw at the soft, crumbling earth beneath me. Whatever I do, won't stop this cart. This cart, all these valuable things I pulled along, is leaving ME! I can't just let this cart go crashing and clanging down the path! Either I go with the cart, or I'm dragged behind it. I scramble to my feet, duck under flying pebbles and debris, dash to the front of my cart, and once again, DRIVE. I am the strong, capable ox who knows the exact importance of my load.

We create what we want by what we do, but then when what we want catches up with us, we might not be ready to live it. I divorced my husband of 11 years today. Our relationship was Life Point A. We lived a safe, predictable little life. Life was less about living the questions, and more about maintaining mediocrity and semblance. I wasn't miserable. I wasn't abused in any way. My ex-husband is a good person, and I still enjoy his friendship. Nonetheless, I was treated according to what I expected for myself. I artfully forfeited pieces of myself in the name of attaining status quo. Just as artfully as I fell into my life, I started to build a cart. I didn't know what I was going to do with this cart, I just knew I had to build it.

This blog will help me discover and share why I built and nurtured "the cart," how it got from Point A to Point B, and what I plan to do with the cart now that I've reached Point B. I honor your sharing in my journey.