Have you ever tried to hang a curtain rod? I'm not talking about anything elaborate - just a single, simple curtain rod. For some reason, this task always seems like an insurmountable feat. My past attempts have always ended up in several extra sets of holes, patched drywall, and/or crooked drapery. They've also ended up in calling some man to come in and rescue the distressed interior decorator wanna-be (aka - princess).
I'd like to say I was a pretty independent person even before I was divorced. I held down our (ex + me) home with great success during the many long cruises (he's in the Navy). I've done things, by myself, that still surprise me. So, why the hell do I call a MAN to hang a stupid set of curtains?
The answer is simple. I NEEDED men. I went from my father's house, to my husband's house. I've never not had a man in my life. My emotional dependency was so deep and normalized, that I didn't even know it existed. I've had men around me for the last year, whom I depended on prematurely. I was so wrong. Because I didn't have my ex anymore, I thought that I had to have some man to cling to - any warm body would do. I didn't pick well; in fact my choices were terrible. I was in a desperate battle to keep men in my life knowing that they were all wrong for me. Nonetheless, one day, my dependency became controllable. I'm working on kicking the habit and letting go of the male friends, who really aren't bad people, yet only feed my dependency. Those that are loving, supportive, and add to my life are keepers; the rest "gots to go." It's still a struggle, and it's hard for me to see the difference between dependency and interdependency. Every once in awhile, I throw a bone out to those men just to see what they do, and my path and gut is validated every time. (Hmm...does that mean that I'm still dependent?? Nah - just a little gift from the universe). I'll eventually be able to tell the difference. Besides, my cart feels a whole lot better minus a few hundred pounds!
(by the way, my best GIRLfriend helped me put up my curtains! :o)
Emily,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know "I admire you" Some people live their whole life without doing the life affirming work that you are doing. You get the "you got it going on award" Stay on the path, your best life is before you.
you are MY best amiga you know. i catered to my ex A LOT but I never needed him. I have the same problem now with the newbies that come into my life from time to time. i'm always trying to show them i DONT need them and that i can do it MYSELF. (not so great a formula). It's hard to strike a balance between these two situations of needing and not needing. I'm still looking for the person with whom I can just "be". know what I mean?
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