4-8-2010...1 AD begins

RIP marriage. I won't be seeing you for awhile.

I woke up today with feelings that I haven't felt in eleven years. Am I sure I want to do this? Is this really what I want for my life? It feels like the world is cycling events around me. My body is here, but things are happening so quickly...

I'm a tough, muscular ox, assuming the job of getting from Life Point A to Life Point B. Life Point A is a familiar, predictable, safe place. All I know about Life Point B is that possibilities are endless, and opportunity is perfect. I pull along a load of "what I want for my life." It's full of all the people and ideas I cherish. Every item is irreplaceable. As I labor along my path, the load gains momentum because I heave and ho so heavily. Soon, when my back and shoulders are aching from all the heaves and ho, I decide to stop for a breath, look around, maybe check the neatly packed load. My cart, however, dutifully gildes along like I've trained it so well to do. All that energy, all that momentum carries my precious load towards the ambiguous Life Point B. All my logic is screaming - WAIT - mostly because my harness is still tightly secured to my body. My feet start shuffling, I violently dig my heels in the ground to stop the cart. I claw at the soft, crumbling earth beneath me. Whatever I do, won't stop this cart. This cart, all these valuable things I pulled along, is leaving ME! I can't just let this cart go crashing and clanging down the path! Either I go with the cart, or I'm dragged behind it. I scramble to my feet, duck under flying pebbles and debris, dash to the front of my cart, and once again, DRIVE. I am the strong, capable ox who knows the exact importance of my load.

We create what we want by what we do, but then when what we want catches up with us, we might not be ready to live it. I divorced my husband of 11 years today. Our relationship was Life Point A. We lived a safe, predictable little life. Life was less about living the questions, and more about maintaining mediocrity and semblance. I wasn't miserable. I wasn't abused in any way. My ex-husband is a good person, and I still enjoy his friendship. Nonetheless, I was treated according to what I expected for myself. I artfully forfeited pieces of myself in the name of attaining status quo. Just as artfully as I fell into my life, I started to build a cart. I didn't know what I was going to do with this cart, I just knew I had to build it.

This blog will help me discover and share why I built and nurtured "the cart," how it got from Point A to Point B, and what I plan to do with the cart now that I've reached Point B. I honor your sharing in my journey.