The Present!

The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post -L. Thomas Holdcroft

I gave myself a precious gift today; the gift of the present. For the past few weeks, I've struggled with accepting my decision to divorce. My ex is a kind, genuine, uncomplicated person. Life with him was easy and predictable. I've wondered how divorce affects my relationship with God and worry that my decision will cause me to lose favor in His eyes. He gave me a good person with whom I could share a life, and I traded it in for a big-ass question mark. Why?

I realized today that I am wasting my energy on regret. I can't think about the future, present, and past all at the same time. If I can't think about all three at the same time, which one should take priority? Breaking it down, I can't change the past. I can't buy my way out of the past, and I can't move people and events like pawns to redesign the past. Simply, I can't do anything about it but use it to make wise choices today. Thinking about the future is beneficial to a point. It's good to have goals and a plan to reach such goals. Nonetheless, I can't think the future into existence; I can only act now to create the kind of future I envision. Thus, what train of thought is the most beneficial and efficient use of my time? The present, of course! And what a present I give to myself when I make choices and act in a way that provides for the future I spend just enough time dreaming about.

In giving up regret, I give myself the gift of space to live the questions.

Thank you for sharing in this post.

Letting Go

Letting go is easy; the hard part is not wanting to leave anything behind.

When I pack for a trip, it's hard to know exactly what I will need. I don't want to leave anything behind (even if it provides an excuse to go SHOPPING), because I just might need whatever it is that I left behind. This only leads to a very over packed suitcase! Boy, have I begrudgingly paid my share of $50 overweight fees at the airport check-in counter.

For the last year, I've tried to pack everything I could in my "cart." I've paid my share of emotional overweight fees, and wouldn't be surprised if Oprah showed up at my door to tape a show about hoarders. I've grown tired of trying to carry the excess and skirting around my cart trying to catch everything that falls loose. So, I started to just let the things that fell, fall. I'm also carefully removing, or simply shifting, positions of some things. My cart is doing less hopping and more gliding these days.

Thank you for sharing in this post.

Million Dollar Bill

Does he make you feel like a million dollar bill? Does he got you spinning round and round? Whitney croons this line in one of her newest songs. I love the song, the beat, and vocals. The lyrics - well, that's another story. No offense Ms. Houston, but isn't this how women get in trouble in the first place?

One of the downfalls in my marriage was that I expected my husband to make me feel a certain way. I expected everything from one person. This is ludicrous! My ex is a human being. All too often, women idolize men. We put them on a pedestal and expect that they will fulfill our every need. When he disappoints me, I blame it on him. While the blame was well-derserved in some cases, I was too quick in many others to cast down my "idol" in my disappointment. True love (not just between man and woman but all people) is loving someone for who he or she is, without expectation of anything different. This purest form of love is full acceptance of a person - faults, triumphs, strengths, changes, and dirty deeds aplenty.

One of the ideas in my "cart" is learning to accept all people for who they are. I don't come to them with a list of expectations. The reality is what is before me; not my iconic fantasies. The people I love are not idols. Rather, they are beautiful interpretations of the human spirit, who are in perfect tune with their own paths.

Thank you for sharing in this post.

4-8-2010...1 AD begins

RIP marriage. I won't be seeing you for awhile.

I woke up today with feelings that I haven't felt in eleven years. Am I sure I want to do this? Is this really what I want for my life? It feels like the world is cycling events around me. My body is here, but things are happening so quickly...

I'm a tough, muscular ox, assuming the job of getting from Life Point A to Life Point B. Life Point A is a familiar, predictable, safe place. All I know about Life Point B is that possibilities are endless, and opportunity is perfect. I pull along a load of "what I want for my life." It's full of all the people and ideas I cherish. Every item is irreplaceable. As I labor along my path, the load gains momentum because I heave and ho so heavily. Soon, when my back and shoulders are aching from all the heaves and ho, I decide to stop for a breath, look around, maybe check the neatly packed load. My cart, however, dutifully gildes along like I've trained it so well to do. All that energy, all that momentum carries my precious load towards the ambiguous Life Point B. All my logic is screaming - WAIT - mostly because my harness is still tightly secured to my body. My feet start shuffling, I violently dig my heels in the ground to stop the cart. I claw at the soft, crumbling earth beneath me. Whatever I do, won't stop this cart. This cart, all these valuable things I pulled along, is leaving ME! I can't just let this cart go crashing and clanging down the path! Either I go with the cart, or I'm dragged behind it. I scramble to my feet, duck under flying pebbles and debris, dash to the front of my cart, and once again, DRIVE. I am the strong, capable ox who knows the exact importance of my load.

We create what we want by what we do, but then when what we want catches up with us, we might not be ready to live it. I divorced my husband of 11 years today. Our relationship was Life Point A. We lived a safe, predictable little life. Life was less about living the questions, and more about maintaining mediocrity and semblance. I wasn't miserable. I wasn't abused in any way. My ex-husband is a good person, and I still enjoy his friendship. Nonetheless, I was treated according to what I expected for myself. I artfully forfeited pieces of myself in the name of attaining status quo. Just as artfully as I fell into my life, I started to build a cart. I didn't know what I was going to do with this cart, I just knew I had to build it.

This blog will help me discover and share why I built and nurtured "the cart," how it got from Point A to Point B, and what I plan to do with the cart now that I've reached Point B. I honor your sharing in my journey.